Big news post coming soon.

Either this week or next week I'll give you a post with some big news.  Until then, please enjoy this GIF of Archer pistol-whipping Cyril.

Ok. I get it. No More Game Reviews.

So, after getting some feedback form my Zelda review I've learned that people who read my blog don't care about video game reviews.  That having been said, I'll sum my Uncharted 3 review with a single image:

The person who can decipher the single sentence from the image gets... absolutely nothing.  I'm unemployed.  Jerk.

I'll post again soon.  I think I'll try and make smaller posts more often.

No cat picture.  Too much effort for this post.

Skyward Sword Review

So, I'm still alive.  I am sorry I haven't posted in a long time, but I just haven't felt the motivation.  Sorry about that.  I have no justification for it.  Here's a quick run-down what you've missed.

I worked at Best Buy.  Best Buy changed their minds.

The Wife and I went to the zoo.  It was awesome.

A tree fell on my car.

We had Christmas.  Our families were super generous.  We haven't written "Thank you" notes yet.  We're terrible people.

We took a road trip to Michigan.

The Wife's back at school.  I'm back at applying for jobs.

Now you're caught up.

For Christmas I received two video games.  Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword and Uncharted 3.  Since I am having a little trouble rousing the motivation to post I figured I would review the games.  At least it would give me something to talk about.  Because, what's better than reading a review from someone who is not educated in video games, media, or reviewing things?

Skyward Sword

Warning:  Spoilers be Ahead

In order to review Skyward Sword it is necessary to go back to another little known game called:

Ocarina of Time is, in many ways, the archetype for all Zelda games made since.  It was a huge departure from the games that came before it and those that came after it have pretty much stuck to formula.  (I am ignoring the Game Boy additions to the game.)  Skyward Sword follows type.  Both have chapters that number in multiples of 3, both use the same regions and temples.  Same formula.  In many ways the same game.  I guess that's not a bad thing when many of my generation (myself included) were introduced to Zelda with Ocarina of Time, and when a lot of gamers have OoT on the pedestal of "one of the best games" if not "the best game."

For this reason, I'm not going to give a general run-down of the game's plot and gameplay.  I'm jumping strait into things I like and things I didn't like.  I am lazy.  (I already said I haven't been versed on reviewing or writing.)

What I Liked

Like I said already, It shares a lot of elements with OoT.  I liked a lot about OoT, so I'm going to stick with things that were different.

Design:

The last console Zelda game, Twilight Princess, tried to be darker, and more realistic.  Overall it wasn't that bad of a look.  It showed the best of what the Gamecube could do.  (That's right.  I played it on the Gamecube.  Suck it.)  However, I thought the color pallet of that game was really dull.  In order to make it look more "realistic" they really just made it "brown and shiny."  The game before that, Wind waker, got a lot of criticism for it's design.  It was bright and vibrant, but to the extent of being cartoony.  Compared to the "realistic" 64 games, gamers didn't like the oddly shaped cartoon characters.  I am posting a still from Ocarina of Time, Wind waker, Twilight Princess, and Skyward Sword:

It looks like a pendulum swung from "nice balance, BRIGHT!, BROWN!, nice balance."  The game used a variety of colors but didn't sacrifice "people that kind of look like people."  Now, supporting characters are much more abstract, but that's the same with the "ultra realistic" one too.  And they were no more abstract looking than this.

Characters

To me, this was the first Zelda game I've played in which I felt all the main characters were fleshed out.  Not only did the characters seem more real, the RELATIONSHIPS seemed more real.  

First of all, Zelda is IN this game (glares at Twilight Princess).   Not only is she a part of the plot, but she has a personality!  A common complaint on the Zelda series is that Princess Zelda either doesn't have a personality, or loses her personality once you learn she's a princess.  That's not true with this game.  (She loses a little bit if interest part way though the game, but don't worry, she comes back.)  In fact, there's even hints at a relationship between these two.

OK.  Not hints as much as FREAKING SAYING IT.   As soon as the game starts it's "Boom!  These two people LIKE LIKE each other!"  Here's a Zelda game that actually capitalizes on the sexual tension that so many parodies have been capitalizing on for years.  It starts with this will they, wont they and once the plot gets started and Zelda disappears, Link feels that loss.  And, yeah, "you're the hero of destiny blah, blah, blah," but Link's main drive is to save his "friend" Zelda.  You see Link's face light up when he sees her, or when someone reassures him that she is safe.  You see his fear and his anger when someone threatens her.  I loved this.  It humanizes Link.  It gives him a real world motivation other than "being chivalrous."  He's not saving Zelda because it's the right thing to do.  He's saving Zelda because he loves her.

Further, on Zelda.  I love her personality.  In an early scene in the game Link is getting picked on by the school bully because the bully, named Groose, also has feelings for Zelda.

How is the scene resolved?  Does Link beat the crap out of Groose after ripping off his dorsal fin cowlick?  Does Groose get tired of trying because, obviously, Link doesn't respond to his threats?  No.  ZELDA SAVES LINK.  

She tells him, in not so many words, to stop being a jackass and leave Link alone.  It was so awesome to see a Zelda actually doing something and not having to dress up like a boy to do it.  She is, by far, my favorite incarnation of Princess Zelda to date.

The Story

This builds off of the last section, but I really enjoyed the story in Skyward Sword.  I won't go too far into it because I don't want to give away too many spoilers.  But I will say that this game does a better job of actually having a narrative story.  It's not "Link sees bad.  Link hit bad a lot with sword.  Link beat bad."  The reasons for each temple are set up more than "it's the next temple."  There's a reason for Link to do the specific things that he does.  In the first half of the game he is tracking Zelda to try and find her.

The story was so well done that the last scene of the game had me choking up a bit, and one special twist that really surprised me. (though, admittedly, it really shouldn't have.)

What I Didn't Like

The Motion Controls

Skyward Sword tries to take advantage of the Wii's motion capabilities.  The idea was to make the Zelda game more immersive by having Link swing his sword in the same way the player swings his or her Wii-mote.  Because of this, most baddies in this game involve some level of control over your sword.  You can't just swing it around like an idiot.

Take this guy, for example.  In the picture presented the strategy is to swing your sword sideways, as if you were to swing it diagonally or vertically he would block it.  Not that hard.  However, there are some problems.  First, the motion control isn't perfect.  Usually when I tried to swing sideways in a hurry, like I would when a skeleton guy was chasing me with two giant swords, the game would read it as a diagonal strike.  The Stalfos would block it, and then take a hunk out of my shoulder with that hook sword.  Making things worse there's about a one second delay between you doing the move and Link doing the move.  That's all the time it takes an enemy to go from blocking one way to blocking another way.  Which means you did what you were supposed to, you just didn't know you were supposed to do it a couple of seconds ago.  The novelty was fun, but wore off the first time I took a cattle prod to the ass.

Robo-Navi Fi

One aspect of Ocarina of Time that has carried over in the console Zelda games is the guide character.  In Ocarina, the character was Navi.

Navi has become something of a legend in my generation of gamers.  Many of us still hear her haunting "Hey!  Listen!"  in our nightmares.  (Granted, I do because Navi's "Hey, Listen!" is my text-tone.)  Hell, The Wife and I were Navi and Link for Halloween a couple of years ago.  Since OoT, Nintendo has tried a couple of different strategies of making Navi less annoying.  Making her a sarcastic jerk as Tatl in Majora's Mask didn't have a huge impact.  Making her a boat and also former King of Hyrule didn't help that much either in Wind Waker.  (We all know Hyrule is best when it's a matriarchy.)  Midna was a nice change of pace.  She was a multifaceted character with her own emotions and an interesting story arc.  So how did Nintendo improve on that?  THEY MADE THE GUIDE CHARACTER DEVOID OF EMOTION.  They made Fi.

She lives in Link's sword.  (She is Link's sword?) and she was created for the sole purpose of guiding Link though his journey.  So, because she was "created" the writers decide, "Hey, let's make her a robot!"  So now, when Navi would say something like "Grapples are an affront to God,  but they sure are delicious!" Fi says crap like "According to my calculations, there is a 87 percent chance that grapples are delicious."

That's not the worst part.  The worst part is she tells you things like "According to my readings your health has recently dropped.  You should replenish your health as soon as possible," and "Your shield's durability is low.  Be careful when continuing to use this item," and "the batteries in your Wii remote are nearly depleted.  Please replace them as soon as possible."  There are already indicators of these things, game.  I don't need Fi telling me AGAIN.

(I should throw in that, despite my spite for Fi's efforts to help me in my quest, I did grow attached to her through the game.)

Transportation

This might be a little nit-picky, but getting from point A to point B in this game bugged the ever living crap out of me.

Here's a map of Hyrule from Ocarina of Time:

If you need to get from one point to another point, you walk there, you ride a horse there, or you can warp there later on in the game.  But more than that, it looks like it could be a real place.  Granted, the whole place rests inside a giant box canyon, but one can get from town to town the way a normal person would.   Such as in this diagram:

I feel like this encourages players to explore the world.  It feels more like a real place.  Now look at a map of "The Surface" from Skyward Sword (SS is a prequel to the rest of the Zelda games.  It takes place before Hyrule has unified and been given a name.):

All the peach stuff between the regions?  Nothing.  There is no way to walk from one region to another region.  Instead you have to take the longest possible route anyone can take to get anywhere.  As depicted here:

That's right.  You have to fly to each region.  That's not the worst of it, flying takes SO LONG.  You are constantly going up and down to try and get the bird to speed the hell up.  And, as an added bonus, when you reach your drop point, you get to talk to FI again, and I've already talked about how much I love that.  This inability to walk from place to place makes the game feel choppy and incomplete.  Again, not a big deal, but a frustrating deal.

One more thing

I know I am reading too much into this, but there are some pretty racist undertones to the game.

A) The Goddess' chosen people are lifted into the sky on top a giant floating rock.  Turns out, the Goddess' chosen people are "white humans."  (As I am writing this I am remembering two black characters that live on the rock.)  The other sentient races of the world? Doomed to remain on the surface world with all the demons.  Separate but not equal.

B)  In two of the side quests, you basically kidnap two sentient creatures and give them to people who live in the sky for "gratitude crystals."  i.e.  YOU SELL TWO PEOPLE INTO SLAVERY.  One of them because you think he'll be good at plowing pumpkin fields.

All in all, I really enjoyed Skyward Sword and would recommend it for anyone who has a Wii.  It is easily one of the top five Wii games so far.

Next time I'll either review Uncharted 3, or tell stories about the zoo and our road trip to Michigan.  Whichever you want.  (Let me know.)

Obligatory The Cat Picture:

Three for Thursday

Through writing this blog I have had the good fortune to discover similar blogs of my friends and family.  Even though some of them make me feel a little bad for my unhealthy choices.  Such as my special cake.  (It's a chocolate box cake, jarred chocolate frosting, and gratuitous chocolate sprinkles.  You may be wondering what makes it "my special cake."  It's me yelling GRATUITOUS SPRINKLES! while I make it.)

One such blog belongs to someone we met just before we moved to Columbus.  She was a roommate of a friend we met in Austin.  Even though we didn't know her very long we think she's awesome.  Like most blogs it chronicles her life and her inner thoughts.  It is themed around a simple request:  to make her a tree.

DONE.

She has a running theme on her blog.  She will have lists that have titles that have alliteration with the day of the week.  (Example:  Top Ten Tuesday.)

In that vein, I bring you THREE FOR THURSDAY!  Wherein I will list three things.  In this case, it will be three things about Columbus that drive me up the wall.  Things I can't stand.  In no particular order:

1: THE REFUSE COLLECTION DIVISION

For the first time in my limited existence I don't have a dumpster in which to toss my trash.  I have this pathetic trash can:

Such a waste

That in and of itself is not all that bad.  What's bad is the trash pick up schedule.  See:  Whenever there is a government holiday the entire schedule shifts by one day.  Every. Stupid. Holiday.  Not just the big ones, like Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Stupid ones like Columbus day, Washington's birthday, and Egg Salad day.  So I am never really sure when it is our trash pick-up day.  To make things worse, according to our lease if our trash can is out on a day that it's not our pick-up day we get fined by our apartment complex.  The result is me taking out the cat poop in my pajamas, seeing that all of our neighbors trash cans are gone, and saying "Too cold.  maybe next week."  While next week involves me ax kicking the trash can lid to try to smoosh down the pile of trash so the lid closes.

2:  COMMON MAN AND THE TORG.

When I drive around I like to listen to sports radio.  I don't know why.  I just do.  Now, you need to understand, all sports radio has gone down a peg now that I am not immersed in Longhorn news.

But these guys take it to a whole new level.  Several times they call an opposing coach "stupid."  Now, I don't care if you don't like or agree with someone.  Hell, usually I don't care if you call someone stupid.  But if you are being paid by a media outlet to lend your expertise to a subject, you should probably at least try to avoid sounding like a middle schooler.  Plus their voices.  THEIR VOICES!  God is to Morgan Freeman as the Devil is to these guys.  Not quite the Devil, seeing as he is crafty.  Is there a subject in the Bible that is malevolent yet incompetent?  Don't believe me?  Here's an exert from their sports-related program.

I don't know about you, but I was ready to claw out my ears ten seconds in.  BALANCE BE DAMNED!  The Wife pointed out that everything they say about animal science is wrong.  Their knowledge of sports is almost as solid.  When I was telling The Wife about this list she responded: "Why don't you just plug in your iPhone?"  This show makes me want to do just that.  But when it comes on I can't spare the attention.  Why?

3:  THE DRIVERS

Maybe it's because the traffic was so bad in Austin that we all had an unspoken agreement with each other that we'll help each other out.  The traffic here isn't so bad so I think everyone is looking out for number 1.  I'M getting to the exit first.  I'M not going to stop at this stoplight.  I'M not going to wait until the lane clears before driving into the intersection so when the light changes I'll be sitting in everyone's way.  I'M going to flip you the bird when you slow down for a yellow light.  All in all if you were to look into my window while I am trying to dodge the cars who are zooming around me to cut me off on the exit ramp (actually happened) I would look a little like this:

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Austin you would sit in the same place for about half an hour during rush hour, and that's bad.  At least your life didn't flash before your eyes every time you needed to pick up some milk.  I don't need any more reminders of how boring I am.

Runners up:

Grocery stores

Constant rain

"Mexican" food

On another note:

Be jealous.

Last up in this really poorly paced Blog post is THE MOUNTAIN DEW OBLIGATORY THE CAT PICTURE OF THE DAY!  I found him taking a nap on our bathtub.  I was surprised when he didn't flip out on me when I woke him up.

All Quiet on the Storefront

Alright.  I'm sorry that I am a bit late in my post.  I did say that I was going to post on my experience working on Black Friday.

Or, as I like to call it, "Friday."

I had a 9:00am to 9:00pm shift.  Twelve hour shift with a 30 minute lunch break.  I left the house an extra 30 minutes early because I thought I wouldn't be able to find a parking spot.

The Expectation

So, as it turns out, it wasn't that bad.  I was able to instantly find a parking spot and sit in my car for 30 minutes listening to the radio.  I missed the mob.  Instead I had a steady stream of people all day.  So, I didn't have to worry about getting pepper sprayed or trampled or what have you.  (I suspect next year
someone will bring an actual mace.  Like, spike ball on a chain mace.)

All I had to worry about was the length of the shift.  As both of my sisters write blogs in which they refer to their endurance running (found here and here) I think I'll refer to my experience working through a pictorial marathon metaphor.

Hour 1 through hour 3

Hour 3 through hour 6

Hour 6 through hour 9

Hour 9

Hour 9

Hour 10

Hour 11

Hour 12

Yes.  TIME ITSELF slowed down and made my last 4 hours dreadfully long.  OK, maybe time didn't slow down as much as my perception of time slowed down, but still.  CURSE YOU, TIMELORD!
When I got home I was pleasantly surprised.  Through some Redditry, Zach Weiner of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal offered to send me a free poster.  It had been so long I figured that I had been forgotten, but when I came home I found this waiting for me:

Needless to say, it made my day a little bit brigher

Now, for this post's THE OBLIGATORY THE CAT PICTURE OF THE WEEK The wife wanted me to post this picture of The Cat's Christmas collar: 

It's got extra jingle bells and extra cheer.

 But, instead, I am going to use this picture, which was taken today after he decided he's had enough Christmas cheer:

You just been Bah-Humbugged, bitch!

Thanks for listening to me whine!  If there is any topic you want me to cover about our life here in Columbus let me know.  I'm out of ideas.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

The Wife and I have completed our first thanksgiving in Columbus.  And it was a very Muppetty thanksgiving at that.

Yesterday afternoon The Wife and I saw The Muppets in Easton.  The Wife and I weren't very impressed with the theater itself.  The movie started late, the speakers were uncomfortably loud, and I am not sure they know how much soda costs elsewhere in the United States.  And the theater upkeep? I guess they wanted to give people a feeling of accomplishment upon finding a clean seat.

Two consecutive seats without melted gummy bears fused to the cushions? HELL YEAH!

But the movie?  Awesome.  Molly and I were both happy with Jason Segel's take on the characters.  Without giving too much away it's about the Muppets trying to save their old studio by producing a comeback show.  The movie basically said: "70's or not, the Muppets' message of acceptance, love, and humor is relevant."  I kind of hope this leads to Kermit and the gang returning to TV.  And by kind of, I mean I've never hoped for anything more.

That's a hyperbole.

Today The Wife had to grade some papers so I spent the day watching Muppet Treasure Island and Muppets from Space.  Awesome.

Then we had dinner.  Now, since The Wife and I live on our own we decided to have a thanksgiving dinner that consisted of only the good parts of the Thanksgiving meal.

Dumb.

The only things we made were mashed potatoes and a green bean casserole.  But we got some premade turkey, stuffing, and croissants.   Our spread looked like this:

Notice the missing croissants.  They didn't make it to dinner.   Also not pictured is my Coke in a wine glass.   It's a holiday, I wanted to be fancy.

After dinner The Wife and I watched some Community on DVD, and The Wife fell asleep.  Then we watched the DVRed parade.  They had a medley of songs from "Spider-man: Turn Off The Dark."  After which we had this conversation:

The Wife:  "You know what would have made this WAY better?"
Me:  "Not having the music written by U2?"
The Wife:  "Yes, actually.  That's what I was going to say."

Then the villains came out, and the true horror of this show was made known by all.

I have to put an end to Broadway. 

It's a tradition in The Wife's family to decorate for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving.  Since I am working all day tomorrow we decided to put up the tree today, and don't say "Christmas needs to stop butting into Thanksgiving!" If Thanksgiving wants Christmas to back off maybe Thanksgiving should try to be more awesome.  You know why Christmas keeps butting into Thanksgiving?  Because Christmas kicks Thanksgiving's Puritan ass.  Hell, many people eat big turkey dinners as part of their Christmas celebration.  Thanksgiving is Christmas without all the presents and damn holiday cheer.  Suck it.

Anyway, here are some highlights from our tree:

My grandparents have been sending us these Texas Capitol ornaments for years.  I was happy to put a few of them up.

When we got married we couldn't find an "our first christmas" ornament that we liked.   So we made one out of a Tangled ornament. 

Two South Park pictures in one post?

Congradulations, Texas Longhorns, for giving Texas A&M the send off they deserve.  (who else wasn't worried when they were leading in the first half?)

One of the many Marvel themed ornaments.  Our tree is at least 85% Disney.

Bart and Funzo.  "Writhing Funzos / in a sack / makes me happy / makes me hurt my back!"

Last featured ornament:  Wolverine stealing Christmas.  What a jerk.

Here is the finished tree.  It's a Wal-Mart tree that looks more like the Charlie Brown christmas tree than the tree on the box.  But we love it anyway.

Anyway.  Merry Christmas!  I'll post again after my experience working on Black Friday.  Until then, here's The Obligatory The Cat Picture.  He decided to take a nap in a stupid place.

If you step on me, I will flip out on you.  You will wish you were never born.